Cogg’s Neighborhood

This week on "God radically turning my life upside down." Dun dun DUN. Intimacy yep I said it. INTIMACY. *scary ghost sounds* Now I know some of you are thinking "What's the big deal?" Well obviously you are ridiculous and abnormal. For the rest of us I will refer from now on to it as the "I" word. I realized on a major level this week how much I sensor myself which is so infuriating. (And yes infuriating is a word, I decided) I pride myself on being very honest and to the point. I wear my "honesty" badge with pride. 

I think I'm going to start to blog. Obviously this will be very very sporadic as I have little time. Also I plan on it being very random and to the point. A lot like myself. Grammar and spelling will be horrific. Don't take anything personal and don't have high expectations. Thoughts to come soon.....

Clusterfuck. Sure, I don't update this thing unless there's been some crazy shit goin' down, but there's been tons of it.

First off, some good stuff. The band I joined have finally recorded an EP, have them professionally reproduced and have shirts as well. We've played a few shows now and it's been great, we're on hiatus at the moment due to Josh's other obligations until about half way through October, but we'll be picking things back up then. We have 6 completed songs that has become our setlist and it gives up from 35 to 40 minutes of stage time. I still think we need to perfect October Mourning to throw that into the mix at some gigs and work on some new material instead of just riding on the 6 we have right now, but I like to write, so whatever.

Anyway, that's the good stuff. The bad stuff mostly focuses around Virginia's family and the craziness that ensues there. There's miscommunication, subterfuge, lies and now straight out attacks.

To start with, I'll say that I've never liked John. At all. All other people who have dealt with him in the past say the same thing. There's just something not quite right with him. I get a feeling of uneasyness. So, years ago, he latched onto Marilyn (Virginia's mom) that he met from going to that church before it exploded. They conceived a child (Travis) and shortly after, John was fired from his job, convicted of stealing tools from the company and sent to prison for a couple years. At that time, I didn't really pay attention to anything, I couldn't really say if he did or not, but since he was convicted, that's the story I'm going with.

This left Marilyn to raise Travis for those years essentially by herself, and I believe that John was supposed to be paying back child support for someone (I'm assuming Chiloh, but I never really talked to her about any of that). Being that he was already screwed and paying back child support, and being sent to prison meant that he couldn't keep up with those payments and it severely messed him up. He is not eligible for anything involving credit, and since Marilyn is married to him, she's in the same boat too.

This was the last I'd heard about things other then that sometimes Marilyn would borrow money from Sean. I lost track of all of that stuff when I moved to Sacramento in 2002.

Enter 2008 when I move to Denver. They're living in Denver too, and apparently have had financial trouble ever since. Some times being better than others, but from what I've been hearing, Sean has had to bail them out of all sorts of financial troubles through the years, and it seems like their tactic has been to widthold information until the last minute so that they wouldn't have time to react besides just cough up the money (none of which has ever been paid back).

There has been at least two situations in the past couple of years in which they needed money to pay a bill before collectors come or they're without power, etc that Sean could not help because he has a damned family to take care of himself and they didn't have the money to help. At those times, their church stepped in to offer what they could.

This brings us up to the present. Sometime about 2 months ago it seems that they decided that they didn't have to pay rent anymore... not just be late about it, but they just flat out stopped paying their fucking rent. They had the same income coming in to the house, nothing else had changed, but they didn't tell anyone that they were in trouble, didn't discuss anything, nor have they tried to apply for financial aid from government agencies (that they're eligible for and put off and refuse to do). So, their landlord finally had it, and gave them 3 weeks to come up with ONE of their past months of rent ($700). They wait on it and wait on it, until there's 5 fucking days left before they come to Sean asking for the money. Sean's been broke for 4 months now due to speeding tickets, Kaelin's schooling requirements and other various things.

So, they start asking everybody for money, they get V to annoy people on facebook and myspace. Now, I had $50 that I could have given toward their rent and I chose not to, and I'll tell ya why. One, they've been taking other people's money for so damned long that it means nothing to them. They will not use that money to good effect and to help them re-establish themselves, the next time a rent payment is due, they'd be in the same situation and that money would have been useless. Two, it's not my fucking responsibility. I had to hide John's facebook messages a couple weeks ago, because it was nothing except day after day of bible verses about helping thy neighbor and sad emo bullshit. And three. They could have helped themselves looooong ago. Welfare, Section8, even non-profit foundations that are more than willing to help them, and they've just blown it off all these years, and why do you think that is? When they need money, they've been able to coax it out of others. Fuck that, fuck them and fuck everything.

So, what happened? The church turned them down for financial help because they've used that avenue too many times in the past and they've been evicted from their home. As a result of this, John has apparently gone a bit crazy and has spread some slander against Sean and Virginia to their church, getting far too many people involved than is necessary. If all this had happened to me, I would find out first hand what the difference is between the exit wounds of starfire and hollowpoint rounds from a 9mm.

Let me also state that John seem to keep a job for more than a month or two at best, if he even looks for them. That family just seems to be great at destroying good opportunities around them.

The other frustration I've been dealing with is PG&E. There's been a bill that's apparently gone to collections in my name, but it's for an account that was accidentally opened and had been properly transferred to the proper account and mine was closed. When my account was closed, there was no mention of a balance due, just an "ok, is there anything else I can do for you?" Much less, there was a phone number attached to that account, that being Adgee's phone and there was no call to her at any point about a past due bill.

After countless hours of calling the collectors and PG&E, we have finally sorted the bill out, $120-something was improperly transferred to the other account, so that was taken care of, and the other $50 was owed through the other addresses of Rancho Cordova and Fairfield where they had lived prior to moving. These charges were never seen to be billed to the account even though they existed and that was the money that I apparently owed for after the clarification. The $54-something had been paid over the phone by Adgee after that had been dealt with (with both of us on the phone so that we could officially get information on each other's accounts). The problem I'm fighting with now is that PG&E is still throwing that on my credit report as a paid collection even though it never seemed to have been billed properly, nor did they let the account owner know of this balance due at the time the account was closed. That, and PG&E and the collectors have issues communicating, so I got called a couple days later by the collectors and had a fun time trying to calm the operator down so I could explain the error on PG&E's part and that the debt has been paid regardless.

At the end of the day, I guess having a collections paid on my credit rating isn't the worst thing ever, but it's already screwed up the two cards I have jacking their interest well over 20%, this was before the status of "paid collection" has been applied though. This is still the EXACT reason why I wanted them to move the PG&E account into their name YEARS ago, but they didn't want to pay the security deposit I guess they needed to pay to start it up in their name... well, I've paid a DEAR cost toward their security deposit in the end, and I'm really not happy about it.

And my shoes have essentially shit the bed. the insoles have become ratty and smell like death depending on what socks I'm wearing on any given day. The insides are just as messed up as the outsides are, so I don't want to pay the ~70 it takes to get them resoled right now. I'm in the market for some boots, probably harness boots. Cheapest ones I've found in my size are $130 and they'll go right up to $240. But I need 'em, so I'll have to deal with it, possibly get my rack at a little later date, we won't be playing gigs 'til halfway through October anyway, so I guess I have plenty of time. Can't wait for payday.

I've been on the hunt for needed equipment for the last month or so, grabbing me a 2nd opinion preamp, two expensive mics and a guitar case (finally). We hope to somehow play live shows soon, but to be honest, I'm afraid we don't have the equipment we need to do so. At least not at a venue that has a PA. See, I just got me a vocal mic and instrument mic, but Sean doesn't have any mics for him to use, and Josh's rig is downright pathetic and he's not taking anything in his life seriously right now which is very angering. Aaron's in the same boat as Sean, but I believe he needs a few more for drum micing.

Josh's rig right now is comprised of... a Galien Kruger Backline 500 head that we all chipped in on for his birthday, a bass that's falling apart and a Line6 bass pod that he just blindly plugs in. He doesn't have a cabinet, nor has he ever dialed in a tone that gives any punch to his bass sound, and yet he wonders why he can't hear himself a lot of times. I don't think he'll get a cabinet by himself, yet he'll buy a DS, PSP, booze and whatever else he's spending his unemployment money on instead, which leads me to believe that he just doesn't want to put effort or money into the band like everyone else has.

Josh is really angering me right now. I know he's a few years younger than we are, but it's become pretty apparent that he stopped maturing at 16 and he's ashamed of himself so he's running from us. Sean took a chance in hiring him to iBeta and he did ok. I agree, it was pretty messed up of the company for the way they got rid of him, but it happened anyway. Back to the rant. I constantly got really irritated by his work ethic and had to work really freakin' hard so that we'd get close to on time with our project projections... we'd still go over, but it was only by a couple hours, not 20 or so.

Well, now he's been out of a job since February? something like that. IF he's looking for jobs at all, he's only looking for ones that have a starting pay of what he had at iBeta, which was 12/hr, and quite frankly, he's not qualified for any job that pays that much, much less he's looking in the tech sector, with only 1-1.5 years of experience at a QA company, and that's really not enough to get you very far. So, he's been out of work for 5 months now, and he's contemplating moving back in with mom and dad because the $1,000/mo he's getting on unemployment just isn't enough for him to continue his lifestyle I guess.

I really don't like that idea, as that will raise the rest of our rent... for me, it'll go to 400 from 320, which means that I'll move from having 120 spending money to 40 per paycheck, and the company won't be giving me a raise even though I've assumed the role of test lead. Of course if that happens, it will kind of dampen Aaron's plan of getting a place before our two year lease is up, but we all agreed to that before the lease was signed.

I really hate the idea of people who can fuck up because they have their parents to fall back on. I think it's partially that their parent's didn't properly prepare them for the real world, and that they're far more interested in protecting their kids than have them learn how to live for themselves. I've seen too many people do it, and they don't learn when mommy and daddy can make it all better. Chiloh, Adgee, Josh, Eva, they've all done it. Adgee has thankfully wisened up though. I might be a little bitter about it as I've never really had the option. There's no way I would have tried to talk my dad into loaning me a chunk of change because I screwed up, and pretty much since I've had jobs I've made more than my mom. Sure, I've made some financial mistakes over the years and used a credit card as supplemental income for a long time, I don't pretend to be the picture of financial perfection... but I don't make the same mistakes over and over, nor screw up often.

The other thing that really gets to me about Josh, is that I've lived with the guy for a year, been a part of the same band for a year, and worked with him for quite a while, and I do not know him at all. I know parts of his personality, that he's quick to judgement about something he didn't come to enjoy himself and that he likes beer. That's about it. I pretty much just see him on Thursday nights now, and he's gone for the rest of the week. Hell, even when he had a job I've had the vibe that he didn't want to be here much. He was always "going up to my parents" which I thought was pretty weird as if you have your own place, that should be home right? Of course we've also since known that a lot of times, he never made it to his parents house on those excursions... and gets dismissive and downright violently opposed to discussing the matters if we EVER bring it up... which leads me to believe that he's doing things that he himself knows he shouldn't be doing, or that he's ashamed to admit he's doing. He leads 3 lives, one here with us one or two days a week, one up at his parents house where he's viewed as an angel (with an attitude) and one that only he really knows. We have assumations about it, but that's as far as it'll go. I really don't care if he has another group of friends, hell, at this point, I really don't even care if he's into Smack, Weed, etc... at least if he is, he's smart enough not to bring it into the house, as I'd be liable to get into, and fucking dominate, a fist fight. I won't tolerate that environment or the people that comes with it in my own damned house... one of the prime reasons that I stayed with my dad during both of my parent's breakups.

Religion really confuses me. Namely that people are very proud to be of a certain religion, but NO FUCKING ONE abides by the laws and rules of their chosen religion. Especially with christianity. People love the whole idea of eternal happiness when you die, but aren't willing to subside the partying, promiscous or intoxifying lifestyle they still hold on to. I'm talking about the people who are adamantly pro-life, until they get knocked the fuck up on spring break. The good christian politicians who couldn't imagine a day in which same-sex marriage would be legal, and yet partake of the goatse.cx from time to time. I'm sick of people pretending to be something they're not. If you like the idea of Heaven and Angels but don't want to think about consequences, then you're not a fucking christian. You're an Agnostic whose been forcefed a few positive points on that religion. Just be who you are for fucks sake. If you want to be a christian, and have the faith for it, and don't cherry pick what you want out of it, that's great and I respect that. Unfortunately, I'm going to guess that's probably about 1 out of 15 people who call themselves christian.

On the other hand, what really annoys me is the hokey christian fluff that most well off 'christians' get into in later years. The poem about the footsteps, the ghastly sappy cards... all of that stuff. Well, I pretty much roll my eyes at any of it. It's all candy-coated bullshit on a stick, and most of the people that buy into all of that junk seem to be like mindless cult followers who view that as how they should follow their religion. I feel the same way of all the bullshit Pagan books... if the religion is supposedly so fucking old, why are virtually all of the books on the subject less than 30 years old?

I know all that ranting was convoluted, and pretty much just for me to vent off some steam. If I've offended anybody by what I've said... eh, fuck it, this was for me so I really don't care that much.

July 3rd marks the beginning of the most painful, sad, and destructive season of my life.  It's the day, when I was 14 and my little brother was 10, that my mom "decided" (persuaded by some people in her new church) to come take us from our dad without telling him.  The season began the day before one of my favorite holidays, and ended 3 years, 5 months, and 3 weeks later (interestingly) on the eve of another of my favorite holidays.

Well, I guess it's time for a bit of an update.

My Engl e530 has some electrical issues. This is damned frustrating since I've owned the thing for 3 months, but I severely doubt that Engl is to blame for it, our practice space has been having some electrical inconsistencies for quite a while and I don't yet have a power conditioner (however that's my top priority right now). Engl doesn't seem to mention a damned thing about warranty, but lists some authorized service places, so I have no choice but to have the thing repaired.

I have two choices, there's one that's like 12 miles away from where we are, and I'm waiting back on word if they're able to service Engl products (I should probably shoot them another email, the first I sent Friday night). If not, I gotta take it to the authorized service center, and they're 25 miles away. Either way, I have to get the thing fixed before the 15th.

Oh yeah, the 15th. That'll be our first day in the studio. It'll be good to get something out, so we can start playing venues instead of just hyping that we're awesome. Either way, I'll go back to saving up for guitar gear after we're done dropping the tracks and what not.

I still need an ISP Decimator, probably the G-string pedal. I'll also need an EQ at some point, and I'm on the fence about a BBE Sonic Maximizer or an aural exciter. At some point I'll need some kind of effects station, but I'm not incredibly worried about it yet. I'll also have to have my guitar looked over by a luthier at some point, I'm getting some irritating things happening (strings buzzing while open, especially after changing strings, intonation a little bit, and my pickup switch going out on me).

Unrelated though, I've been looking for some albums to buy recently, and a lot of them have been difficult to locate. The ones that confused me the most was Kalmah's first 3 albums "Swampsong, They Will Return and Swamplord". Most of them are going for some pretty crazy prices on Amazon as they're apparently discontinued?!? What the hell?

Things just keep happening

I'm working on losing weight now. I went to purchase some pants last week, and I have to return most of them because they're too small... and I chose a, in my mind, quite large size. This makes me quite angry with myself that I just haven't paid attention to this stuff in such a long time. I've been walking almost every day about a mile and a half, trying to get back in shape... guess I'll be utilizing that along with some more exercise and *gulp* a diet. I'm mostly there, having a sensible breakfast and lunch, but when I get home it seems that all bets are off *l* I just gotta keep that in check.

In band news, things are shaping up for our first demo. I guess our plan is to attempt to gather our money for the month and jump on recording the first week in May, failing that the 2nd week, etc. The lineup for the demo should be Altar Whore, Fright Night and Demon's Lament. These songs are great, but I do want to throw my 2 cents into the fray and say that October Mourning and Sewn Together are my two favorites, but they're still getting the shellac treatment, so not quite ready to record, however I'd be happy to perform them live.

We have a few more songs in the works as well. I really like the way the sound is coming for these new tracks. The sound is heavier and a little more proggy. They still have normal song structure which I might change up for a couple in the works. We're trying to work out a good bridge passage for a mostly completed song called Valley of Ashes which has some black metal elements, which shows you how much heavier we're getting. We also have another one that has no lyrics yet, but is working out to sound a bit like a medley between Lamb of God and Strapping Young Lad that's really sick and brutal... and unless I'm in pristine rock-out mode, taxes me greatly as a guitarist. And yet another song that's been on the back burner that I don't know much about since they kind of canceled working on it when we lost our vocalist, 2 weeks after I moved out here. We have our vocalist now, so we should probably work on it again.

Now, I have probably 3 mostly-completed songs that I haven't really shared much about since we were on a writing freeze. We're focusing on getting these 3 songs recorded and getting our demo out there first though. One idea is for most distribution to be done through CD Baby (this enables us to save on pressing costs and also we could be available on iTunes), and pressing or burning some for our local use... these would most likely be signed and possibly numbered, I think a good incentive to come to a show.

Good things are coming though. Expect new music to rock your socks off with crushing power and thrash riffs, death grinding, acoustic passages, funky grooves and some math. I have some ideas about layering vocals since I view them as another instrument rather than just the conveyance of words.

In more news, I really miss Helen, Josh, Wendy, Lisa 'n everybody else from Sacramento. Helen quite a bit. I talk to her quite frequently through text messages (one of the 2 possibly 3 reasons I still keep my phone these days, and it's worth it). You don't truly realize how awesome a friend is until you're forced to be away from them for an extended period of time. I had to set her straight about how awesome she was the other night, but to be perfectly honest, it was a list of things I had wanted to tell her for a long time, but didn't have a good way of just coming out and saying it all. I feel really good about it though.

And I'll leave you with the fact that Devin Townsend's Ki project is great, and I'm really looking forward to the other 3 to follow (hopefully) sometime this year. So far, I like Disruptr, Gato and Heaven Send. Their progression kind of reminds me of SYL's song Fire, but the whole album is great and covers a vast array of musical styles, just like the rest of the Devin Townsend albums usually do.

Visiting Humboldt county is always an experience.  Everyone's lifestyle is so different from anything in the denver area, but I always forget just how much till I am consumed by it at every visit.

There were plenty of new, interesting experiences to be had.  Meeting my brother's wife and 9 month old child was wonderful.  Meeting my other brother's 1 month old child was also wonderful.  It was great to see my Grandpa Doerner and his girlfriend, and my Grandpa and Grandma Jones.

I, by all means enjoyed everyone's company... but what felt more profound was what I realized about myself while I was there.

Growing up, I was surrounded by art, music and creativity.  My parents weren't overly concerned with my academic performance at school (though, sure I was rewarded for getting better grades.)  I think they were more concerned with who I was... art and music consumed me during those years.

My dad made me a doll house and a stable  (when I was a little too old to play with them) and although grateful of them, I disregarded them.  I guess my father's art was normalcy... I noted that his ability was certainly talented, but so everyday that it seemed like nothing out of the ordinary.

While in california, I attended at least a couple places aside from my father's house where his artwork was on display.  I mailed the afore mentioned house and stable to myself.  And.. I guess those, and my dad's  composure made me think about my life.  The art that I've done in the last few years is (to me) mediocre and rare.  I've been fooling myself into believing that all of my previous skill had not diminished due to lack of use, and that my mindset was still artistic..
I would now say thata couple months before visiting california I began the tedious journey into these realizations, and the visit brought about more clarity...

Having found inspiration there is a slow growing root of change that.. hopefully is noticiable =)

Cad upon a midnight dreary, bloodshot eyes welled up and teary
Revising a project that had changed a thousand times before--
There I sat, not even blinking; into slumber I was sinking
Pots of coffee I was drinking, drinking to stay off the floor
"How long will this last?" I wondered, gazing at my office door--
Had been there since the night before

Though fuzzy now, I still remember the hour of which my comembers
Abandoned me to alone dismember these drawings -- What an awful chore!
Against all hope to hold back sorrow, vainly trying time to borrow
To finish that job before the morrow, tomorrow when I would sleep once more
Bed with pillow, couch, chair or floor--
Tomorrow I would sleep once more

Where was my undo command? I thought I had them all at hand
I looked again, and there it was, where it had not been before
Decided then to abdicate some recent work, I undid eight
Aghast, I realized my fate -- I only meant to undo four
Stupid mistakes like this I invariably deplore
Forced again to redraw more

To make that wall a little longer for to make the shearwall stronger
I had to change the roof slope and eliminate a door.
Architect would not allow for that, there for the moment I just sat
Waiting for him to come back with a design he could adore.
Nary a sound I heard as he entered, returning through my office door
Red ink upon the paper more

Upon my check plots peering, as I stood there, knowing, fearing,
Before he even gestured I knew he had changed the plan some more
Finally the silence broken, as he started to betoken
The words from his mouth hardly spoken uttered changes I knew to abhor.
"Flip the plan and change the elevation of the second floor."
Merely this and nothing more

"Can't you just a button press to make more sense out of this mess?"
I said OK to appease him and send him from my space once more
Back to my workstation turning, anger towards him stronger burning,
Sure my next paycheck I'd be earning not only just a little more--
This shock to my system must be worth not only just a little more--
Started coffee pot number four

Music streaming from my speakers, helping me from growing weaker
Screaming songs to match the feeling of the hairdo that I wore
Nodding off and half awake, suddenly a double take
I pinched myself for dreaming's sake; what now do my eyes absorb?
Everything was in its place, it appeared I had to do no more
I stood and breathed; a pallid countenance I no longer wore
I felt as though on sunny shore

And as I felt it, a glint of light shone in to aid me from my plight
Dawn's radiant hues had lifted my soul -- I could feel it in my core
But to chagrin my heart's elation {Unhandled Access Violation}
"NO!" I screamed, "Not my creation!" I paced around my office floor
In desperation tried to get my drawing back to where it was before
Audit or recover, ultimately my file I could not restore
My drawing file was no more

Though the morn was shining brilliant, and I thought myself to be resilient
My keyboard could not withstand the shock of my mouse hitting it with force
It was over, I conceded; by the deadline it was not completed
And I sat there, felling defeated, rejected and forlorn
I looked at my computer, letting sink in the horror of that wretched morn
I turned my back, went home to sleep; trudged out my office door
And there I pledged it, "Nevermore"

So, a blog, eh?  I'll start with a bit about myself.  First off, I'm not very good at blogging.  You will likely have to wade through 95% of what I say to get to something interesting, witty or deep.  But hey, that's me.