Hypocritizing is too a word!
I think I've decided that I don't really like being at home. I use the word "home" tentatively, and mostly I mean "the place where I sleep." Ever since departing from my childhood home, I've never really been able to capture that same mixed feeling of belonging and comfort. I suppose that might change if/when I start a family of my own; but for now, home is where my head rests and, for the most part, I don't really like being there.
A disclaimer would probably be fitting here. I don't really feel the way I do because of my roommates. They are a folk of a most reasonable sort, and I think they improve my life by being in it. But, roommate is a funny word. It well-describes those who journey alongside you in the quest of occupying a space.
Occupying a space: I think that does a good job of describing what I feel like at home. I go from a frenzied work environment (which I actually greatly appreciate) to a weird place that seems to sit outside the time and space of an otherwise-industrious world. And I find that place strangely uncomfortable.
A preacher at church today said that most folks don't like slowing down for the Sabbath because, in part, doing so forces you to stop and pay attention to yourself for a moment. I think this really hits on why I so dislike the slow-motion pace of the "home" environment.
See, I don't particularly like or dislike myself as much as I find myself mostly uninteresting. And when forced to remain in an environment where the reality is so completely constructed by such a dullard, I find the result almost unbearable. Now, I wonder if that actually means anything. Does that make me one of those extremely co-dependant people? I sure hope not--those people are really annoying.
But, I think there is something else in play here as well. I think that I'm slowly becoming one of those people that quickly becomes unhappy if he isn't working on something. This combined with my extreme laziness and apathy makes up a recipe for sure self destruction. For, who is more self hypocritizing than a man who is driven to accomplish tasks he is too lazy to perform for a cause he cares too little for?
My own ridiculousness frustrates me some times.
“Grabbed hold my enemy's neck
and choked 'till he ceased
Blistered with disbelief I awake dead
And when I awoke I couldn't believe it was me
All the time it was me” – Project 86
Comments
Don't worry, your not co-dependant or you'd be stuck in a rut of never ending relationships of which you would always secretly dispise, but couldn't imagine life without.
as you well know, I have a hard time not doing anything (thought certainly in the evenings i often relish the laze.) During the day I run errands, clean, work etc.. and keep quite busy (which probably explains my crash of tiredness)
Anyways, the point is that everyone keeps busy now-a-days. Even if it's the monotony of watching endless tv with short breaks to satiate our digestive track. No one sits and just watches the sun set or the birds feed etc... sure, you may stop here and there to see them, but you don't go out of your way, and sit down to enjoy it. The only few that really take time out to enjoy simple things are the ones that have no choice due to bodily ailments...
it is quite a conundrum I often find myself in... but what to do?
take up a hobbie? go out on frequent shinanigans? drastically change something so others might start conversations, thereby removing responsability for said conversation from us?
I don't know.
But I'm pretty sure all of us would benefit from doing something different.
i wonder what it would look like to you if you were watching yourself as a sim character. with that perspective, would you still think, "why does he even bother?" or would you be happy with ,and even proud of, the sim you's actions?
well now i feel like i'm just rambling without being helpful, so i'll just end now and come back if i have any real advice.