I've been trying to come up with a way to describe what's been on my mind lately. And I've been struggling because I keep trying to find a way to describe it where it won't be offensive or too alienating to the ways I used to think. For, I'm at least smart enough to know that brilliant ideas today are often downright silly tomorrow. But try as I might, I cannot find a more eloquent way to describe this:
God isn't here.
I've been a religious person my entire life. I've long held (and still do) a belief in a creator and omnipotent force in life--all of life for that matter. The short explanation is that Christianity makes sense to me. The lack of a god is something that I have difficulty understanding, and I mostly reject that philosophy. But that's precisely what makes this thought so aggravating. God exists, yet he is not here.
Until relatively recently, I used to think that this God was supposed to play a very direct and day-to-day role in life. I'm not sure how, maybe from slight feelings or subtle interplay in our lives, but I haven't really found any substance to this. Prayers get said, life happens, and no third party enters the fray--usually.
I see people living life (some for good, some for evil, and most for something in-between), and no matter what the circumstance, the only constant I can see is human behavior. See that story over there about a man who risks his life to save another from an oncoming train? That was a man that made that decision. See that storm there that crushed that community? That was weather. I can no more say that God saved that man from the train than I can say that God killed all those people with that storm. Maybe he did neither. Maybe he did both. What am I to make but guesses based upon the idea of God that I already have in my head?
I think it is worth jumping right to the details here to avoid confusion. Outside some odd feelings on rare occasion, I've lived my whole life as a Christian and have never had any real communication with my own god. Sure, there's prayer, and there's all sorts of indirect reflections of god all around us (Nature, Art, Intelligence), but I don't feel ashamed to say that this simply isn't good enough. Would you call "friend" someone who rarely, if ever, speaks to you?
Here we are, living life, and this God person isn't really all that more practically important to me than a great ruler living high upon his castle. Sure, he could be indirectly affecting everything ("How do you know God didn't keep you from catching worms today?"), but that's really no more important than, say, my immune system or photosynthesis. Are they important? Yes. Are they a part of my life? No.
This is where I really want to make my point clear. God is not here, standing next to me (in whatever way) conversing (in whatever manner) engaging in some sort of tangible relationship. I'm not looking for lightning bolts or miraculous events here. I'm talking real, tangible, frequent, and unmistakable communication.
I only expect that God would want to have at least as much relationship with us as I have with the lady who cuts my hair every few weeks. Is that really so much to ask? Is that heresy or somehow disrespectful and ignorant? Well... maybe. But I don't really know how to be any other way. And this puts me in an odd place. I still believe that this God exists, but as far as I can see, it doesn't really matter. Oh sure, insofar as things like oxygen and hydrogen matter, so must god. But is that it? Really? How infinitely disappointing.
Now, there are some folks out there that claim to have some real tangible interaction with god (read: prophets and their ilk), but I think I should be able to get everyone to agree that isn't normal or common. Most of us (based upon what I see), are left to "feel out" or guess at what God is doing, thinking, or communicating at any given point. Don't take that as me saying that anyone who hears from god is a lie. Maybe they do hear from god. Who am I to say? But the fact that someone else can breathe doesn't mean much to the suffocating.
There are a multitude of arguments against what I am saying. And some of them are full of insight and solid reason. But at the end of the day, they all fail to fill this void. The cosmos pines for its maker, and if you listen carefully I think you can hear a slow, ancient cry of sadness from all of creation. We long for our bridegroom, our completion, and I feel as justified as I do foolish for wishing that he would reach out and strike me down. Then, at least, to show some form of care. Isn't that childish?
This is one of those things that doesn't have a satisfying ending. I suppose it's kinda like saying, "Doesn't it suck that we can't shoot laser beams from our nostrils?" While it may, things that don't change aren't really worth all that much grief. I guess this is where you get up and try to figure out another way to look at life, maybe one that doesn't feel so incomplete.
"Keep me safe, lie with me, stay beside me don't go.
Don't go." - NM
