I've been trying to come up with a way to describe what's been on my mind lately. And I've been struggling because I keep trying to find a way to describe it where it won't be offensive or too alienating to the ways I used to think. For, I'm at least smart enough to know that brilliant ideas today are often downright silly tomorrow. But try as I might, I cannot find a more eloquent way to describe this:

God isn't here.

I've been a religious person my entire life. I've long held (and still do) a belief in a creator and omnipotent force in life--all of life for that matter. The short explanation is that Christianity makes sense to me. The lack of a god is something that I have difficulty understanding, and I mostly reject that philosophy. But that's precisely what makes this thought so aggravating. God exists, yet he is not here.

Until relatively recently, I used to think that this God was supposed to play a very direct and day-to-day role in life. I'm not sure how, maybe from slight feelings or subtle interplay in our lives, but I haven't really found any substance to this. Prayers get said, life happens, and no third party enters the fray--usually.

I see people living life (some for good, some for evil, and most for something in-between), and no matter what the circumstance, the only constant I can see is human behavior. See that story over there about a man who risks his life to save another from an oncoming train? That was a man that made that decision. See that storm there that crushed that community? That was weather. I can no more say that God saved that man from the train than I can say that God killed all those people with that storm. Maybe he did neither. Maybe he did both. What am I to make but guesses based upon the idea of God that I already have in my head?

I think it is worth jumping right to the details here to avoid confusion. Outside some odd feelings on rare occasion, I've lived my whole life as a Christian and have never had any real communication with my own god. Sure, there's prayer, and there's all sorts of indirect reflections of god all around us (Nature, Art, Intelligence), but I don't feel ashamed to say that this simply isn't good enough. Would you call "friend" someone who rarely, if ever, speaks to you?

Here we are, living life, and this God person isn't really all that more practically important to me than a great ruler living high upon his castle. Sure, he could be indirectly affecting everything ("How do you know God didn't keep you from catching worms today?"), but that's really no more important than, say, my immune system or photosynthesis. Are they important? Yes. Are they a part of my life? No.

This is where I really want to make my point clear. God is not here, standing next to me (in whatever way) conversing (in whatever manner) engaging in some sort of tangible relationship. I'm not looking for lightning bolts or miraculous events here. I'm talking real, tangible, frequent, and unmistakable communication.

I only expect that God would want to have at least as much relationship with us as I have with the lady who cuts my hair every few weeks. Is that really so much to ask? Is that heresy or somehow disrespectful and ignorant? Well... maybe. But I don't really know how to be any other way. And this puts me in an odd place. I still believe that this God exists, but as far as I can see, it doesn't really matter. Oh sure, insofar as things like oxygen and hydrogen matter, so must god. But is that it? Really? How infinitely disappointing.

Now, there are some folks out there that claim to have some real tangible interaction with god (read: prophets and their ilk), but I think I should be able to get everyone to agree that isn't normal or common. Most of us (based upon what I see), are left to "feel out" or guess at what God is doing, thinking, or communicating at any given point. Don't take that as me saying that anyone who hears from god is a lie. Maybe they do hear from god. Who am I to say? But the fact that someone else can breathe doesn't mean much to the suffocating.

_

There are a multitude of arguments against what I am saying. And some of them are full of insight and solid reason. But at the end of the day, they all fail to fill this void. The cosmos pines for its maker, and if you listen carefully I think you can hear a slow, ancient cry of sadness from all of creation. We long for our bridegroom, our completion, and I feel as justified as I do foolish for wishing that he would reach out and strike me down. Then, at least, to show some form of care. Isn't that childish?

This is one of those things that doesn't have a satisfying ending. I suppose it's kinda like saying, "Doesn't it suck that we can't shoot laser beams from our nostrils?" While it may, things that don't change aren't really worth all that much grief. I guess this is where you get up and try to figure out another way to look at life, maybe one that doesn't feel so incomplete.

"Keep me safe, lie with me, stay beside me don't go.
Don't go." - NM

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I reciently took some time to kick back and do some space golfing. Here's a photo of the interstellar action:

Space Golf!

Sometimes church can be a little boring.

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Here's another analog I did reciently. I've got some newer writing that I've been working on, but I'm not sure if I should post it before it's more complete.... we'll see.

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"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." (Matt. 22:36-38)

It is difficult to ignore God's jealous desire to be the central figure in our lives. Scripture makes it perfectly clear that God isn't interested in being second place in our hearts alongside happiness, wealth, or even other people. He claims to be the beginning and end of all things and the only true source of life. Now under normal circumstances, one might describe that desire as narcissistic or self-absorbed. What is this God going on about, and why is He so determined to train our focus upon Him?

Ultimately, the answer is more obvious than it is dramatic: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). In other words, God is God and you are not. And while this may seem trivial, it is a concept so central and fundamental to one's entire perception of life that it is declared the "greatest commandment."

Of the 10 commandments, this is the first, "You shall have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:3). And, it is the first because if you do not understand and accept this first concept, it becomes impossible to accept the rest of what this God will ask you to do. If the one true God were not speaking, what sort of insanity would drive to give and sacrifice all that Christ calls us to?

Our understanding of the proper orientation of the world, the universe, and all of life depend on accepting that an all-powerful God exists and that He wants you to know him. One can not grasp Calculus without first learning how to add and subtract, and one can not fully participate in life without first understanding its founding principle: The loving God exists.

It is the nature of all things to reflect their Creator, and it is only when we fight against our heritage that we begin to reflect something else. God calls us to focus on Him because it is central us participating in real joy and real love.

"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out" (Luke 19:40).

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Something happens when you realize the works of art that so moved you were far more contrived than your fantasy world's soft glow allows. You are challenged to decide whether that work is suddenly worth less or whether you've lost the ability to appreciate it.

I guess you could say that life is full of disillusionment. But I can't help but be tempted to think that the pattern of relationship that becomes more and more noticeable is really just hinting at our larger heritage. My sister's pastor said last week that people (good, bad, and everywhere inbetween) create great works because they themselves were created out of the stuffs of the Creator of all. And I wonder if what you see is a bunch of children earnestly, clumsily emulating behavior that they can barely understand--let alone duplicate.

It must be flattering to see so many try so hard and really, truly fail to grab onto the core of idea itself. Granted, that's a tall order--and an order with many unknowable steps. Maybe that's at the heart of a sort of worship: to do knowing that you lack the ability to do completely. It's as if the sacrifice that is embedded within starting works that you know you can't really complete brings your efforts a sincerity, a tangibility, that makes up for their lack of complete function. Maybe there's a distinct difference between the construction of complete creativity and the worship of incomplete, emulative paint tossing.

Artists

Sure, we may lack the ability to truly create, but you won't see that stop us from throwing more paint on the canvas, more film through the projector, or more music through the speakers. Foolish in a sense, but only foolish if you mind becoming "even more undignified." And it seems to me that all creativity starts with making yourself vulnerable--vulnerable to your own ignorance or inability, vulnerable to the judgment of actual quality.

This thought was triggered when I was looking for the source of a piece of art I have on my computer. I wanted to make a print of it and have it framed. I searched for its name only to find that it was named after a pop-rock song. It became impossible to find the source because so many people had made so many derivative pieces off of this song. And, at first I was discouraged by this. But then the pattern started to rise to the surface, and I was struck by our lemming march back to the feet of the Creator.

"All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one." - Uncle Screwtape

P.S. There's two posts today. Check out "Wisdom's Roots" if you like a bit of dry reading.

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Here's another analog I wrote for church. It's a bit dry, but I tried to make it a little interesting.

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"Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice?" - Proverbs 8:1

The world is full of problems and advice--people looking for the sorts of absolute truth that describes life in neatly drawn lines. And for many, the search for truth is a ruse that covers over a simple apathy for the real, practical struggles of daily life. Yet given the folly of such fruitless pursuits of understanding, the bible still considers wisdom a virtue of the highest kind.

"Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost you all you have, get understanding." - Proverbs 4:7

But what is this wisdom? What does this understanding do, and why is it at all important?

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." – Colossians 2:2-3

In Paul's letter, he is attempting to provide subtle theological understanding amidst a teaching that is extremely practical. Though the thinking of God may well be higher than our own, Paul is showing us that the deepest of knowledge can be understood through the day-to-day practices of loving one another. In fact, it is through our love and encouragement to each other that the "treasures of wisdom and knowledge" are revealed.

"'To you, O men, I call out; I raise my voice to all mankind. You who are simple, gain prudence; you who are foolish, gain understanding. Listen, for I have worthy things to say; I open my lips to speak what is right..." - Proverbs 8:4-6

There is a paradox in that the truth of the highest wisdom brings you right back to where the simplest of minds start: love and kindness. Wisdom calls out to us not only to understand the deep and complex realities, but also their direct relationships to the basic kindnesses that anyone can understand.

"They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea." Isaiah 11:9

The "knowledge of the Lord" lies in the simplest of generosities and sacrifices. It is easy to get caught up in arguments—especially when the understanding they can lend seems so important. And though such arguments in the pursuit of absolute truth may get complicated and long-winded, we cannot lose sight of being "united in love" before we are united in understanding.

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I wrote this for this thing called Analog that we do at our church. All of the small groups get these. They corrispond to a certain sermon that is coming up and help guide conversation and study in the small groups. I just started helping out with Analog, and here's my first entry before it went through the hands of the group's editor. It may be a bit raw. And yes, I stole the "hina" part from my pastor. This is supposed to relate to a sermon on Colossians 1:9-11.

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There was a time before the world existed, a time where the creation we know was formless and blank--perhaps even a time before time itself existed. But at some point, for some reason, an all-powerful, all-knowing being decided to create something. And, he didn't just create some toy or pet. For some reason, he elected to create something that he could love: a creation that could choose whether or not to love in return. But why would he do that? Why would a complete God need to create the beloved?

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Cor 13:1)

There is a confounding pattern found throughout the Bible. All over, people are doing hard, painful things so that they may help others. And the darndest part of it all is that those that sacrifice often receive nothing in return. Christ, of course, is the pinnacle example of this behavior. As he hangs from his instrument of torture, he chooses to use one of his last breaths to utter, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). How otherworldly is it for this God to protect his children as they murder him? What is this strange force that drives God and man alike to behave in ways that would otherwise seem so unreasonable?

In Paul's letter to the church at Colosse, he begins by telling the people how he has asked God to fill them "with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding" (Col 1:9). But, he doesn't stop there. For the first time in the letter, we notice the words, "so that." This is important because it is a Greek clause called a "hina", and this sort of clause is typically used to explain why something is done. In this case, it's used to describe why these people should receive such a blessing:

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." (Col 1:10-12)

The Christian life is one meant to be lived loving those around you. In His every move and action, God has consistently demonstrated his selfless love for his children. And it's this continuing pattern that Paul is describing here. Not only does he pray for blessings on these people, he does so that they may in-turn go out and produce fruit of their own and demonstrate real love to those around them. All of the knowledge and understanding in world would be worthless if it did not have some purpose.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." (1 Cor 13:2)

A life more selfless is difficult to achieve, and it doesn't always make sense to the pragmatic mind. But Christ constantly pushes us to sacrifice for the sake of others. This crazy God is showing us a counter way of thinking: to die is to live, to give is to gain, to love is to really live.

"If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Cor 13:3)

In the end, Paul is pushing us to focus outward in our prayers and lives. The "kingdom of the Son he loves" is waiting for so many out there, and God has called all of us to go out there and produce the real fruit that can demonstrate that kingdom to the lost.

Related Verses:
Colossians 1.9-11
1 Cor 13:1-3
Luke 23:34

Discussion Starters:
In the past week or two, has someone demonstrated any kindness or selflessness towards you? How did it make you feel? How did it make you feel about that person?

Questions:
How well do you think the modern churches have done at serving their communities? How might they do better?

Do you think that if you were the most knowledgeable person to have ever walked the earth you would always make right and just decisions? Is knowledge a key to righteousness, or does it serve another purpose?

What kinds of gifts or blessings has God given you that you can use to bless others?

Action Step:
Choose two people that will see at some point this week, and if possible, choose two that you don’t know very well. Try to use some of your own skills, gifts, or talents to bless those two people some real, practical way.

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Myself and my roomy Josh wrote this script a while ago. It's completely unedited and in its first-draft form. If you feel like plowing through a slew of poorly-formed entertainment, you can download the doc from the link below. I felt it was a little too long to post in it's entirety here. The RapidShare link should be good for 10 downloads. Given that I have exactly two readers, that should suffice. FYI, it's a dark comedy, and yes, it's not in proper "script" format.

Link:

Click To Download

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I think I've decided that I don't really like being at home. I use the word "home" tentatively, and mostly I mean "the place where I sleep." Ever since departing from my childhood home, I've never really been able to capture that same mixed feeling of belonging and comfort. I suppose that might change if/when I start a family of my own; but for now, home is where my head rests and, for the most part, I don't really like being there.

A disclaimer would probably be fitting here. I don't really feel the way I do because of my roommates. They are a folk of a most reasonable sort, and I think they improve my life by being in it. But, roommate is a funny word. It well-describes those who journey alongside you in the quest of occupying a space.

Occupying a space: I think that does a good job of describing what I feel like at home. I go from a frenzied work environment (which I actually greatly appreciate) to a weird place that seems to sit outside the time and space of an otherwise-industrious world. And I find that place strangely uncomfortable.

A preacher at church today said that most folks don't like slowing down for the Sabbath because, in part, doing so forces you to stop and pay attention to yourself for a moment. I think this really hits on why I so dislike the slow-motion pace of the "home" environment.

See, I don't particularly like or dislike myself as much as I find myself mostly uninteresting. And when forced to remain in an environment where the reality is so completely constructed by such a dullard, I find the result almost unbearable. Now, I wonder if that actually means anything. Does that make me one of those extremely co-dependant people? I sure hope not--those people are really annoying.

But, I think there is something else in play here as well. I think that I'm slowly becoming one of those people that quickly becomes unhappy if he isn't working on something. This combined with my extreme laziness and apathy makes up a recipe for sure self destruction. For, who is more self hypocritizing than a man who is driven to accomplish tasks he is too lazy to perform for a cause he cares too little for?

My own ridiculousness frustrates me some times.

“Grabbed hold my enemy's neck

and choked 'till he ceased

Blistered with disbelief I awake dead

And when I awoke I couldn't believe it was me

All the time it was me” – Project 86

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Been a while, sorry about that.

Between bouts of self-pity about my own problems, I've been thinking a lot recently about what it is that makes someone who they are. Just what is it that's actually you? Not so long ago, someone very near to my heart suffered from a bad stroke (more specifically, a series of small ones). Since then, he has recovered greatly and regained much of what the stroke took from him. Needless to say, the human brain is an incredible device. But, really, it is precisely that incredible feat of design which brings me to wonder. If this brain, this intellect, is such a complex and integral part of us, what is left when you remove it?

I can remember going to visit him not long after the event. I was sitting with him in the cafeteria of some sort of a long-term-stay wing of a hospital. It was lunch hour and the dozen or so residents of this wing had gathered for what was as much of a pill-consumption session as it was a meal. The stark contrasts in the room became quickly apparent. All of the people sitting around the lunch table were somewhere between the ages of 60 and really old, and most possessed obvious ailments. As I sat near my friend helping him eat, a snowy-haired old woman sitting near him paused in the middle of her vitamin meal and said to him, "Oh... you must have had an accident." She said it as if she were talking, with a small measure of pity, to ailing child. For though he was well more advanced in years than myself, he was still a youngin' to these.

Life has a way of making you pause during these really important moments, as if it were saying, "Stop, and pay attention to this. This is important."

The old woman's words have since resonated greatly with me. The unfairness, the injustice, of the whole situation was just contemptuous. This wasn't supposed to be this way! I still wanted to play hockey with my friend, go way too fast down dirt bike trails, backpack through the local wilderness. But as I sat there helping him through the most basic of daily tasks, I was hit with the realization that those times were gone.

It sounds cruel to say, but I wondered at times if this was really the same person. Could he be? I had many memories of talking with him about philosophy, theology, even mathematics. And now he had trouble understanding what he was looking at on the television. Was this just a shell of the mind I once knew? Or did I ever really know his mind? Was it something else?

Science tells us that without our grey squishy stuff, there wouldn't be much more to us than a boney sack of transitory parts. And I think that's worth noting. If I were to somehow be injured such that I couldn't really think or understand any longer, I would be basically non-functional.

But, I would still be loved.

And that's at the heart of this turmoil. To see your friend have everything taken away only hurts so much because you still love him that much. And the simple facts of the situation would tell you that you have less of a reason to keep on loving, but it just doesn't work that way. The essence of love is that it keeps on loving even though it has no reason to. It's really the only thing of its kind. What would cause some to sacrifice for others if not love? What would drive a complete God to create us if not love? What would cause this terrifying and sudden pain if not love?

So I found myself sitting there, longing for the person I once knew but loving the person I know even more. I didn't make this mess and I certainly didn't make these rules, but life has a painfully real way of reminding you how important you make everything by risking love. If care is to invite the risk of loss, then loss must litter the path to life most full.

I feel like I should have some summarizing end here. But, I don't have anything. I'm at a sudden loss for words. I suppose it suffices to say that this is the way things are, and that it is truly better to have lost than to have never had. Maybe this whole love mess is what makes us more than the dirt we are made out of. We hurt, and therefore are.

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with one more step towards destiny
he's found all he'll ever be
he once felt sad he once felt bold
he once cared for all he's sold

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Have you ever had one of those really introspective moments? In general, I try to avoid them at all costs. You never know what you will find in there. It's sorta scary really. I mean, what if you look inside and don't like what you see? Maybe worse, what if you see nothing? Like a great black sea of indifferent, cold, drowning reality? That's one of my great fears (aside from spiders). I fear that deep down inside there is nothingness. It's like looking behind yourself and not seeing your shadow. It makes you wonder if you forgot to exist when you got up that morning.

Droll isn't it? Well that's what makes it scary. Sure tigers and Ebola are fearsome, but at least they will end you with a cacophony of snarling life, one great organism devouring another. But what if you step up to your great challenge only to see it look in your direction with confusion, and walk away? That's just plain unsettling.

_

What is a man if not the measure and content of his heart? I should fill that space with refuse to avoid the shame of indifference and the suffering of gross negligence. Ok, I admit, now I'm throwing a bit of a tantrum. I guess I sorta expected life to be a bit more like Camelot, and a bit less like the wild west (the real wild west).

Anyway, that's what I'm afraid of.

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the man goes clank
what once was bone has turned to stone
and he cannot hide the silence inside
the man goes clank

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